have some pride boy

i'm sitting here at my com in my bunk and outside my window i see the basketball court where my whole wing is assembled and getting ready to move off for our third consecutive mission/exercise which has been spread across the last three days. sleep has decreased substantially and workload has increased exponentially.

i could be sleeping now, but somehow it just doesn't feel right resting and relaxing when my friends and fellow cadets are out there; not resting and not relaxing.somehow i just feel this sense of guilt..a guilt that i'm not sure i should be having or not.

on wed i booked out to go to cmpb to get an x-ray of my chest because of this nagging weezing cough and tightness in my chest over the last one and a half months. i could carry on with training properly but i thought that maybe i should get it fixed before going for any of my overseas trips with ocs. so i came back on wed and moved out immediately for the first exercise.came back late that night..thur morning to afternoon was spent on the second exercise. i gave my x-ray thingy to the medical centre on thur afternoon and they asked me to come back on fri for the review and that's why i'm down here and they are out there.

somehow deep down at the back of my head the words "chao keng!" are ringing. and i'm sure some or possibly many other people are thinking the same thing about me. and i don't really know if it's actually true.. i believe that the mind is really powerful and it's able to force the body into certain conditions such that it would be favourable to the person in question..in this case, maybe i have such a great desire to escape from training my body is intentionally not getting well so that all this can happen..so that i can have just that little more rest. the ailment is a fact and i guess all these are speculations but somehow it just nags at me, because why should i require more rest when 76 other people do not? i think that maybe i should, maybe i should..i don't knowww...

this morning amanda was awake when i woke up at 445am. i was complaining (as usual) about how tired i was..i meant that i was physically and mentally tired and also tired of this ultra long officership course..but what she said to me kinda woke me up and made me realize what i was doing here in ocs..i quote her "and you know you're doing all this because you're part of the elite okay? you're an officer." and "just remember, i know you feel like giving up. but you were put into this because you were meant to be different, stronger from the start. so persevere okay."

thanks amanda:) i so needed someone to tell me that and remind me that i always wanted to be where i am now. perhaps over the last six months of rigorous training i seem to have lost my direction and forgotten what i'm like. what i am now is not me. i have lost that motivating touch; that special spark i use to have to help others..now others help me.

i think i'm feeling like this only because the last few days have been really taxing. i should be fine on normal occasions. i guess it's only a matter of perspective but yea i do feel drained.anyway if you're wondering i'm not skipping the whole of today's exercise..i'll be down at 10am after my review and i wouldn't have missed out on much of the training yet. this training stretches till 11pm tonight so i'll be involved in the main bulk of it still.

bookout is on sat.i can't wait.